Twines

brother

The hype train that is my mind keeps on chuggin and shows no signs of stopping. Here’s one I quickly wrote about my brother and love in general. I recommend clicking the full screen button in the bottom right corner of the window or zooming in (Control and Mouse Wheel Forward or Control and plus key) if the font seems small.

Play brother

THANK YOU

THANK YOU: Griffin McElroy

This is a new (regular?) feature in which I give my thanks to someone I consider a role model. Someone who’s so inspiring that they keep me up at night. Services like Twitter certainly have their flaws, but when someone feels like they’re alone in the world and so far away from their peers that they start to lose touch with reality, a faved tweet or an @ reply to your reply can be more inspirational than I can even put into words. I’m not going to pretend to be a professional about this. Here’s what I wrote. I hope you hate it.

Griffin McElroy, you are the light at the end of the tunnel

You are the joke that makes me smile instead of cry on the bus

Sometimes, you are the reason I manage enough motivation to get up in the morning.

You are the hilarious, helpful reverie that sings me to sleep at night when I refuse to put the phone down.

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Random Rant

Bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse…just like any other disorder.

(I’m gonna write in a free form poetry style because I’ve slept about 6 hours in the last 3 days. Four days? I don’t know.)

i feel excited, i feel happy

maybe it’s just the weather. maybe it’s the time i’m spending with my brother.

fuck no. don’t fall for that again. you’re manic, or on the verge at least

you’re not hungry. you smile without worrying what people will think. you think you look beautiful when you see yourself in the mirror.

that’s not normal for you. that’s manic.

okay. maybe i’m manic. but i can keep it under control.

you went off your meds. you’ll be lucky if you get any sleep tonight.

maybe if i stay off caffeine, don’t drink, read a book before bed like everyone says you should but i mean come on who really does that besides the baby boomers

2 AM. Time for bed. no, shut off the laptop. that can wait until tomorrow. you have to at least pretend to put some serious effort into sleeping.

k. bed time.

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Writing

The Importance of Looking Happy

I’ve spent most of my life refusing to smile unless I felt genuinely happy. As a result, I tend to look angry, deep in thought, annoyed, exhausted, or sad. You may be one of these people or know someone who is. They might feel happy, but their facial expression makes them look the exact opposite.

I began to realize how often I did this a few years ago after watching this popular YouTube video. While I respect the creators of this video for helping me realize how angry I usually look and that this is something that isn’t unique to me, I don’t like using their term for it, so I’ll call it Angry Resting Face.

Many people I’ve spoken with seem to think it’s useless or dishonest to smile unless they’re happy. They think faking a smile when you’re not happy is like lying or misrepresenting yourself. While there are times when smiling isn’t appropriate, I think the motto, “fake it til you make it” applies here.

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Writing

How Your Secrets Can Make You Stronger

Everyone has weaknesses, flaws, vulnerabilities, or emotional baggage. No matter what you call it, they’re all things we think we need to keep secret or else people might judge us. It might be something as common as a fear of heights or as severe as cancer or a mental disorder. No matter what we struggle with on a daily basis, most of us think we must deal with these issues alone.

“I can’t tell my girlfriend that I cheated on her or she’ll leave me!”

“I can’t tell my parents I’m pregnant or they will disown me!”

“I can’t tell people I have bipolar disorder or they’ll think I’m crazy!”

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Writing

all the single ladies

For all the single people or divorced people or unhappily married people, don’t give up. Don’t stop putting yourself out there. Don’t stop looking for love. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all hurt people. We like to think being single gives us more happiness than taking a risk on a relationship, but that just isn’t true.

You may be happy at work or happy with your friends, but what about when you’re at home with only your pets or roommates to keep you company? Don’t you want to find someone you can share all your restless thoughts with? Someone who supports you when you’re struggling and celebrates with you when you’re succeeding?

You ARE beautiful. You are intelligent. You are worth people’s time, attention, and affection. No matter what convinced you you’re ugly or stupid or boring, that influence is in the past. If it’s not the the past, cut that negative influence out of your life and move forward. If you want a happy future, you have to start working toward it today and commit to it. Don’t put it off until tomorrow or next week or next year. Every action, every smile, every person you talk to sends ripples of love outward in ways we rarely see.

There isn’t one person you have to be with in order to be happy. There are billions of men on this planet, and believe it or not, the majority of them are not arrogant, body building misogynists. Those bad relationships you’ve had are chances to learn from mistakes, not wounds that never heal and make you fragile. The world breaks all of us, and after we heal, we are strong in those broken places.

(That last line is a badly paraphrased Hemingway quote.)

Poetry

i hope you choose love

Not sure who messaged who first

maybe me, maybe you

probably me. I’m a lonely mess and you know it

probably messaged you too much

said things that scared you

didn’t put my best foot forward

but that’s the thing with texting

i might say a joke but if you’re in a bad mood

beaten down by the shit we all face every day

you might not see it as a joke. it might hurt.

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Twines

I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM

This is a Twine interactive fiction game I made during the 2016 Global Game Jam. I spent about 24 hours trying to make something with Halo 5’s Forge mode and then Source engine’s mapmaker (Hammer), but eventually gave up and settled on writing because the intricacy of 3D game development was too much for me yet again.

It’s a beautiful mess.

Play I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM

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